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Have DID: Getting Worse Not Better
I was diagnosed with DID, severe PTSD, etc. after a stress breakdown. I've heard voices as long as I can remember and have been in tfhe menal health system for over 1/2 my life. I had virtually no memories of childhood or adolescents or really up until about 7 years ago. I have more memories now than I wish. I have been highly suicial, attempted several times, it's high on my list/ I married a sociopath (narrassistic and highly abusive]. My sister is a sociopath and mother is bizarre. I never stopped splitting and I'm 48. I have a therapist who does not want to talk about my external world nor really my internal world. I don;t know what she wants. She is 70 yrs old and has done therapy with DID clients for many years. I have a psychiatrist I have seen since way before the DID disagnosis. He does med review. I am and have been totally isolated for these 6 past years. My primary family and extended have shunned me, lost my kids to their nutty father, live alone, can't work and my health is now going. I feel certain people are trying to destroy me and I'm trying to live, sort of. tonite, I took a lighter and almost lit my clothes. Can't call suicide hotline cuz they call the police and Daddy was an Oregon State trooper. I get triggered to say the least. He is dead now, but doesn't matter, he destroyed me. Called me "it", not even sub human. Tried to kill me a couple of times. Was enraged the day I was born. I'll spare you all the horrific and terrifying details. I lost everything. I am not wanteed by anyone. Not even my therapist likes me, but I'm poor. I could be dead in my apartment for weeks before anyone would notice. i'VE prayed for strength and courage, but honestly I am burnt out on everything. I feel blamed for everything by therapist and other mental health "professionsl". I'm hospitalized out. Threre are few resources where I live. I hate the term "survivor"' as though some of us are heros because we endured torture and being tormented but thats what we do, endure. Not an endurer does it take to make a hero. Hell, as Victor Frankle said of the concentration camps, "The best of us did not survive" meaning the best of humanity. Maybe, I've run the course and there is no help for me. Maybe, I can't be helped. .
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